You Know Someday You'll Slow

Days are bleeding into weeks then months then years, and I am watching it all accelerate and just shaking my head a bit in simple acknowledgement that there's nothing I can do about it. I've wasted so much of my time and energy holding onto things, or people rather, I should've just walked away from upon first sign of negligence. Unfortunately I didn't, and now I'm starting to really see how wasteful I've been with my days. Life's too fucking short to let anyone treat you like a possibility, or an option – so don't do it. People have factored me like so, and to be honest, I've done the same to others. Nobody should lack respect for themselves to that capacity – to let another dictate your relevance in their life. In all fairness, in a lot of my own circumstances, I've knowingly chosen to take on the role of being someone else's doormat or personal esteem-boost. Today though, I seem to be latching onto more of a third-person's view of how my naively idealistic and romantically-skewed dedication has stalled me from being at the place in my life I'd hoped to be at by this age.

Long story short, I've always known I've wanted to be a father and, now at 29, for the first time ever, I'm starting to see that the window of opportunity actually has an expiration date. I'm thinking in terms of practicality for a future where I'm not so old that I can't relate to my children. I don't want to be 40 and having my first child. No offense to anyone who is around that age, or had parents who were when they were born. I just want to be a fun Dad, the kind who can still goof off and chase the kids around the house without having to stop to catch my breath. I've always known, without much doubt, that I'd want kids someday. Maybe it's overcompensation for the experiences my Dad was too busy to provide toward me - but aside all that, I just really think I'd be good at it, you know?

So now, approaching 30 in less than a year, I'm starting to feel the tick of the clock. I want to build a relationship that I can trust before I get married. I hate to set specifics on it, but I can't really imagine proposing to someone who I've been with for less than two years. I'm not saying I wouldn't propose sooner if I absolutely knew the person was the end-all-be-all of my life. However, the last thing I ever want is a divorce, so I think a couple years together isn't an unfair expectation to ensure a true commitment to a marriage. If I was to get married, I also would want to spend a couple years just really spending time with my wife - just the two of us, traveling about and living up our fleeting days of true youth before deciding to dedicate our time and energy towards a family. So, that all being said, in the instance I met my future wife tomorrow, by the time we'd get married and had our first child, I'd be somewhere near 35. If she's on the same agenda as I am, she'd hopefully want a second - putting us somewhere near the end of our 30's, start of our 40's.

Anyways, I know all this timeline plotting ruins the spontaneity and builds expectations, but I'd be foolish to just cast it all to the wind. I guess I've just come to the conclusion that my over-the-top (and narrow-focused) romanticism may be what's actually causing my delay in meeting someone who I could feasibly spend the rest of my life with.

I used to abhor the idea of ever “settling” for someone. Even typing it out now, I still don't think I ever could marry someone I wasn't 100% sure of being “the one.” However, I've built up this bullshit criteria in my head that's kept me from actually giving some people a real shot. I've let something like music, my biggest passion in life, be the basis of which I assume personal compatibility. It's a fucking joke if you really think about it. I'm not going to lie and say there isn't this huge part of me that feels music is the strongest way I can relate to others, but to let that dominate my assessment of someone's character - it's like, where the fuck do I get off? Do I really think that my life with someone who I couldn't listen to records with would somehow negate all the other things I could share with them - like a family and a home?

Maybe I'm getting too John Cusack at the end of High Fidelity right now, but it's coming from a real place of self-questioning. Last week I put my first offer on an actual home I was hoping to buy (it ended up being sold to another buyer who offered all cash upfront). Walking around inside of it, I could start to see all the puzzle pieces fitting together – I just wished I had someone there with me who I knew I would be sharing it with.

All I know is that I'm not wasting any more time waiting on people who can't decide what they want out of life. For the young, don't stress yourself out over it - you'll find your own place in due time. For those in similar positions - I wish you luck in taking hold over the time you have, even if it means walking away from someone you told yourself you'd wait forever for. In the end, if forever is how long they'd make you wait, clearly their agenda never had you in mind at all.

Sorry for the weight of the post.