Where The Deepest Currents Go

This past month I took a week-long vacation trip up to Portland to visit my two best friends, William and Brandie Hart. The timing worked out perfectly so that I was able to schedule it around Brandie's birthday, a Grouper show and to make good on an offer to perform some songs on-air at KPSU. Wrapped around those events were more of the usual shenanigans I participate in when in the company of my best friends. We ate tons of good food, shopped at a bunch of record stores, took day trips in and out of Portland, bought matching switchblades, wrote some songs together in a cold basement, took knife-wielding photobooth pictures, hiked through some amazing nature spots, played Ping-Pong, and laughed at ridiculous things only the three of us would really understand. The photo belows will illustrate just some of the events that transpired:

(Flyer for our debut performance as Black Prisms)

(Grouper & Ilyas Ahmed performing at a former funeral parlor)

(Will and Brandie near the entry of White River Falls)

(Old abandoned power plant at White River Falls)

(Crank shaft atop White River Falls entry)

(Brandie and Will in front of White River Falls)

(Will and Brandie inside a drainage house at White River Falls)

(Ski lodge Will took us to stay the night of Brandie's birthday)

(Our room at the ski lodge)

(William in the morning at the lodge)

(Photobooth shots we took at the Ace Hotel in Portland)

(My best friends in the world laughing at a Thai restaurant in Portland)

The problem with going to Portland, or anywhere Will and Brandie are at for that matter, is that when I return home, I inevitably feel a bit lost. Not “lost” in a somber sense, because I know where I fit in, just in the way that I have to readjust to being far away from that place and figuring out how to enjoy my time without them around.

Upon returning home from Portland, I received the terrible news that my Grandmother's health had been deteriorating quite severely as a result of the return of the cancer we'd been told had been otherwise remedied. I spent every night of the following week at my Grandmother's bedside at UCLA Medical Center, along with a steady stream of family and friends who'd come to see her. There was a tremendous outpour of love from every corner of our extended family & friend tree.

Sadly, on May 28th, my Grandmother passed away, leaving behind 4 sons, 8 grandchildren and a great grandson. It's a massive loss to my family and to myself, as my Grandmother represented the devoted matriarch who never, not for a second, ever shyed away from her family. However, I take comfort in knowing that she will be rejoining her late husband (and favorite dance partner), who'd passed away some 40 years earlier. She remained a single widow all the years after his death and never remarried. I will miss her dirty sense of humor, appreciation for Laurel & Hardy films, love of greasy pizza and amazing stories about the hardships she faced in her life.

Mahin Azma 1930 ~ 2010 RIP

Coupling the loss of my grandmother with another personal loss that also occurred in early May, (which I'm refraining from sharing here) has put me in a bit more of a state of limbo. Seeing and feeling the strong support of my amazing family during my Grandmother's passing makes the idea of moving away a really difficult one to see actually happening. On the other hand, being around my best friends in Portland provides me a really fulfilling companionship on a more regular basis, which I've pretty much given up finding elsewhere. I am lacking that stability in Los Angeles, especially as more of my friends here are drifting away down the avenues of their own hectic lives, and my romantic relationships all deteriorate due to my unrealistic, movie-like expectations of them.

I keep weighing the pros and cons of the situation, but have yet to come to any real conclusion. For now I'm just going to keep taking each day by day, and each night by the selection of records that get me through it. It'll all get sorted out one way or another, and if it doesn't... well, I've got a switchblade that'll provide me some answers too... just kidding. Lighten up, this isn't meant to sound as doom-and-gloomy as you're likely making it out to be. Everything will work out somehow.

Signing out,
Ronnie Barrows

P.S.
I'm on fire now with the Tumblr business. If you're not on that train yet, I suggest you hop aboard. It's an inspiration board you can take with you virtually anywhere.